Moscow on the Cahaba Part VIII - The Finale

Saturday, 25 June 2005 04:13

By Don Casey

June 24,2005

Boris the "Professional Planner" says:  "Lotto for Land" - purchase a parcel of land today and enjoy the ultimate gaming experience!

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"Dearest Natasha, you wonderful  - currently employed  - "Supreme-Soviet Socialist Social Planner" (SSSSP) for the Fatherland's Population Gulag Number 66, - Boris, temporary resident of the Neo-Red Square - the New Kremlin of the South - Shelby County, Alabama, has a little request."
 
"But first, a comment regarding my interview for the Shelby County "Appointed Professional Planner" APP - it did not proceed as Boris had envisioned."
 
"Boris arrived, for the late afternoon appointment via the "Non-documented Worker Transportation Service" NWTS.  As you know Natasha, the NWTS is a service provided for all resident guest at the "Non-documented Worker's Bed and Breakfast" NWBB.  Entering the parking lot, recently resurfaced with porous concrete1, Boris was surprised to see DoRight's Mountie hat sitting on a donkey.  The donkey was standing next to the entrance of the "Hired Professional Planners's HPP's office building."
 
"Natasha, you remember Dudley DoRight and Nell Fenwick, they were that naive young couple that occasionally had a bit part in the popular 60's TV show.  The show, because of our enduring popularity is constantly shown on the TV Land network.  Dudley, the sneak, playing to political correctness has downsized from "Horse" (the name of his horse) to a donkey.  He must have realized that Horse, due to its higher metabolism rate would be issued "Ecosystem demerits," whereas the donkey, due to the lower number of discarded "apples" will be considered "ecologically friendly," and would receive "Ecosystem" credits - the number of credits has yet to be determined.  I am including a photograph to help you visualize my description." [unable to post photo on website]

"Natasha, when I saw the tattoos on both sides of DoRight's donkey, which read: "DoRights Sustainable Transportation Service" and observed that the donkey had been tied up long enough to eat two azalea bushes I new Boris was in trouble.  As you can see, Nell, who always looked for new angles, was advertising her "SideCar Emporium," which is now available under franchise - shameless capitalist!"
 
"Entering the building, the HPP greeted me with the utmost southern courtesy.  As we made our way to his office I began explaining that, just as soon as he placed my consulting firm (Badenoff's "Brown Shirt" Consultants) under contract, we, operating as a "public/private partnership" would, as his "comprehensive plan" stated, use "out of the box"2 tools to reorganize and restructure his society.  I pointed out that the "out of the box" tools would be bolstered by the newly recognized legal principle the - "Precautionary Principle"".3  
 
"Natasha, that's when he dropped the bombshell and I realized Boris, was, as usual ahead of his time.  The HPP explained, that the County had not reached the "enforcement" stage of "sustainable development".  "Showing the muscle of "enforcement" during the honeymoon period of the "incentive stage" would not be productive," he said.  The County had placed Dudley and Nell under contract for the duration of the "incentive" period of "sustainable development".  Dudley's job - facilitate the "visioning sessions4," where the public is enticed into believing that they actually had a part in formulating local comprehensive plans.  Nell's part is the icing on the facilitator's cake - the attractive assistant to the magician - the Vanna White of the "Flip Chart".  As the supposed "stakeholders" (citizens of the community) agree with Dudley's smooth talk and pleasant demeanor, they will place, as instructed "stars" on the appropriate place on the easel mounted "Flip Chart", and, Nell will - what else will - "Flip the Chart". 
 
"The HPP assured me that employment for firms similar to mine, would be in high demand.  Birmingham, he stated, a major metropolitan community would be incorporated into a twelve county regional governance4a and develop an "Environmental Police Force" which would operate of the authority of the "Environmental Court". 
 
"So you see, Poopcie, all is not lost.  But in the mean time Boris, your constant companion in "socialist change" is in much need of meaningful employment.  I was thinking, maybe a "Nighttime Light Inspector" at the Fatherland's Population Gulag Number 66?"
 
"Impatiently waiting your response, your dearest Boris."
 
The "Announcer," fired in an earlier Episode, after Boris convinced the "Column Administrator" CA that the "Announcer" was a closet "conservative" has returned to his position after attending an approved "Diversity Training" course6 at the University of Alabama at Birmingham.  "Her-a-him" - a word recently constructed by social engineers demonstrates the "Best Practice"7 for "gender equity"7a will end this series of "Moscow on the Cahaba" 
 
Will Natasha, Director of Gulag Number 66 allow Boris to return and apply for the assistant to the "Nighttime Light Inspector"?
 
or
 
Will Boris, remain in his adopted Fatherland, learn their new primary language - Spanish, continue his "diversity training" and apply for the newly created position - "Ecosystem Ombudsman"8?
 
These and more seemingly unimportant questions - possibly answered in future Epic Episodes of "Boris, the Professional Planner".
 
 
1.  The quote is from the "Summary of Constraints" for the Cahaba Valley  Section I page 7 of the Shelby County Comp. Plan.  "commercial development with parking garages or on top to decrease impervious surface area requirements."
 
"The Athens-Clarke County (Georgia) Department of Transportation and Public Works Stormwater Management Program was awarded a grant to study the effectiveness of porous concrete in the region. The grant, totaling more than $76,000, was awarded by the United States Environmental Protection Agency in August 2003 and will be used to construct a parking lot made of porous concrete at the Athens Transit Facility. Unlike traditional concrete and other impervious paving materials, porous concrete is designed to allow stormwater to be absorbed by the paving surface and infiltrate into the ground below." Emphasis added
http://www.athensclarkecounty.com/publicworks/porous.htm
 
2.  The following is a socialist statement from Section III page one of the Shelby County Comprehensive Plan: By exploring, developing and using "out-of-thebox" methods, tools and techniques, we plan to harness the power of "the market" to advance the development of traditional communities, and stem the tide of sprawl.
 
 
3.  On December 6-8, 2004, the International Union for the Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources (IUCN), the United Nations Environment Programme, the New York State Judicial Institute, Pace University School of Law, and the Commission for Environmental Cooperation brought together members of the judiciary from all over the world to discuss the evolving role of the judiciary in several important areas of environmental law. ……Precautionary Principle.." http://law.pace.edu/environment/symposium/cover.html
 
4.  "Using Visioning in a Comprehensive Planning Process" http://cecommerce.uwex.edu/pdfs/G3752.PDF
 
4a. Region 2020 quasi governmental entity proposes regional government for 12 counties in north central Alabama http://www.region2020.org/2020Book/structuregov.html
 
 
6.  "Diversity UAB, an extension of the Office of Organizational Development, desires to take a leadership role in establishing a community of tolerance and sensitivity through intercultural education at the University of Alabama at Birmingham."  http://main.uab.edu/show.asp?durki=43342
 
7. The Best Practices and Local Leadership Programme (BLP) is a global network of institutions dedicated to the identification and exchange of successful solutions for sustainable development. http://www.blpnet.org/
 
7a. "The challenge of harmonizing societies' environmental practices and choices with ecological diversity and sustainability, cultural diversity, gender equity, social and environmental justice, and democratic institutions and governance, requires innovative approaches to graduate training." Emphasis added University of California - Santa Cruz http://envs.ucsc.edu/envs-old/idea02.html
 
 
8.  Because of increasing pressures on the Earth's life support systems, there is an urgent need to resolve major conflicts of interests regarding the use, care and sharing of resources. Within a framework of the principles and values of the Earth Charter, the International Ombudsman Centre for the Environment and Development (OMCED) will respond to these needs. http://www.ecouncil.ac.cr/